Archive for the ‘Crispus Attucks Week’ Category

Crispus Attucks Week: No Mouthing Off To Cops

March 5, 2009

My boy Dave is Jewish. He’s married to one of our friends who is Black. Dave is so effin’ cool that sometimes I forget he’s not Black, so much so that sometimes I let fly the n word in his presence, which I really hate to do around white. Dave’s not rich rich but he’s got immediate access to a couple’a hundred thousand dollar stacks on account of him being a trust fund baby. Dave also had some issues with the law years ago on account of him always loving Black chicks. Even though he grew up in a mansion like home in Rhode Island, he always hung out in the projects chasing hood rat chicks. Eventually he started doing ghetto ass project like things which eventually landed him a brief stint in jail. Dave’s real cool now though, great career, big ass house, three kids. He even has his mug shot picture framed in his living room on some look how cool and bad ass I was back in the day. I’ll admit, that shit actually does look cool.

So last year, while driving my wife’s car, we were stopped by cops. Apparently, I had a busted head light. The cop was nice enough to let me off with a warning. Problem was, Dave still hates cops, but not like how Blacks hate cops. See, Blacks hate cops because they know one wrong move and cops will have their ass laid the eff out. Dave hates cops in that, since he’s a taxpaying citizen, he views them as his employees, and like boss to employee, feels like he can reprimand them at will. Anyways, Dave gets real pissed off at the cop cause he feels like the cop is wasting his time and ours and starts going the eff off on him with a bunch of “Fuckoutta here’s”, “our effin taxes at work” and “Go find the real criminals”. Being that I’m at the wheel and also happen to be Black, my shit is sitting upright and still like a mannequin. I’m too old to get dragged out into the middle of the street and whupped on by night club wielding cops eager to put a knicca in check. Just like a Dave Chappelle skit, Dave goes off on the cops for like 5 minutes and eventually the cop says “have a nice evening sir” and bounces. Afterwards, after I get over my amazement at the cop’s reaction and my anger at how I felt Dave’s actions could have led into me getting stretched out, I cuss him out and warn his ass to never ever do that shit again whenever I’m in his presence.

I thought all Black knew this cardinal rule, but apparently, the Black chick in the clip above must’ve had a momentary lapse of judgment. That, or the cocaine she was sniffin’ on earlier must’ve been hella raw. Regardless, the cops react accordingly leaving her ass all sorry whimpering, mumbly and laid out on the ground, sloppy thong showing and all.

Being that today is the actually date when the homie Crispus caught a bad one, in commemoration of CA Week, act like you know when in the presence of po po.


Crispus Attucks Week: No Cage Fighting

March 3, 2009

See how the entire crowd is filled with white, screaming and shouting for blood? Not a good look for the light-skinted fellow jumping, hopping around like a lil dread locked Leprchaun

We all know how white LOVES to cage fight. White loves that shit so much that cage fights (along with all types of wrestling) are viewed as fun wholesome entertainment for the entire family. So much so even that cage fight events make for the perfect opportunity to take out the wife, kids, babies, grandma and dog included. Like a picnic even. Black and cage fights? Not so much. Not saying that Black ain’t brawlic, but genetically, we aren’t built for that type of sport. As the poor Black fellow in the above footage so clearly demonstrates, Black has no effin business whatsoever entering into any types of cage, especially when the word “fight” is somehow attached or connected to it. I’m guessing dudes’ crew, consisting mainly of white, gassed him to step in the ring on account of him being all limber and shiny because of his capoeira skills. Not a good look. In celebration of Crispus Attucks week, whenever one of your white homies steps to you with the “Dude, the World Extreme Cage Fighting championships are in town!!! Me and the boys been watching you on the ball court and think you’d be perfect as a contender. Let’s fucking get to it bro!!!” lingo, kindly reply, “Thanks Josh, but no thanks, I’m already locked in with my brother Jamel and his friends to attend the local ghetto strip club, solely for the purpose of throwing hundreds of dollars of my hard earned money into the air, at scantily clad women, just on GP and in order to look cool.” In other words, just say no.

Combat Jack Celebrates Crispus Attucks Week

March 2, 2009

Crispus Attucks (c. 1723 – March 5, 1770)

Back at Cornell University, there was this Black dude named Cornell. Cornell was this short ‘lil fella that I think ran track. He probably didn’t though, since he was a true nerd. He also made it a point to not hang out with with any Black people. On campus, the student body was like 25,000 deep and being that at the time (probably now too) there were so few of us, and what I mean is few Black people, we made it a point to at least build with each other, have each others back. Nothing exclusive, but you know how ornery white can get when they’re clearly in the majority.

Anyways, Cornell was mad happy on account of how he managed to stay away from Black people. He even pledged a white frat during our freshman year. I forget which one, but like most white frats up in college, they had a dope ass house which epitomized the whole Ivy League experience. Ivy growing on the facade, mad oak wood floors and libraries, framed pictures of frat brothers going 100 years back, all of ’em white except for Cornell (the dude). So once this guy becomes an official frat member, he takes place in what was tradition for this frat, the beloved beer flume. It’d be a Friday night and this frat would have kegs all up in their piece, you know how they love them some kegs. Brothers meanwhile, stayed grasping the 40 oz. So one night, white is partaking in their beloved beer flume, where they make a line on both sides, kinda like the Soul Train line, and then they’d commence to pour beer from the kegs onto the wood floors so that its like a one’a those Slip and Slide thingies, like the photo below:

Gassed up on beer, white would proceed to take off their shirts, race to the beer flume and have a good ole time slip sliding to and fro. Mad shits and giggles. Getting back to my point, one day, Cornell, the Black fella, decides he will make history by becoming the first Black dude to slip slide on white’s hallowed beer flume. White gasses him up, tanked up, Cornell runs and proceeds to slide. Problem is, Cornell, being too eager to both please and out do his brethren, puts too much accelerate on his approach. Dude takes off with so much momentum that as he flumes, he takes off like an effin black rocket, so much so that he keeps going, way past the stop mark, so fast even, that his head collides against the wall way on the other side of the room. Dude was fluming so fast that upon contact of head and wall, Cornell (the Black dude) cracks his spinal cord in several places, thus leaving him a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. Yeah, that shit was tragic, and most definitely a true story, but I learned a valuable lesson: Black should never ever partake in activities that are designed, by nature to be exclusively white.

Did you know that today kicks off Crispus Attucks week? Born in 1723, Crispus was an escaped slave. Upon arriving to Boston, he was greeted by white who thought it would be mad cool to have a token Black amongst their ranks. Soon enough, Crispus and his boys came up with the name “Ye Olde Drank Mad Meade Crew”. The Drank Mad Meade crew became notorious for invading every known pub in Boston from like 10 am until they closed shop. Their drink of choice was that fresh Samuel Adams brew, who happened to be alive then. It’s even reported somewhere that being a fan of the crew, Sam gave these cats an endorsement deal, blessing them with authentic Sam Adams jerseys. Dudes also had coupons which enabled them to drink free Sam Adams brew at participating taverns.

The Drank Mad Meade Crew stayed having mad beef with other inferior crews, and they would dominate said crews in gang fights throughout the city. Many surmised that the Drank Mad Meade Crew had the advantage because they was always fueled up on alcohol plus had a Black dude who was always eager to jump in the front and prove his worthiness to his crew. Around this time, America was on some pop off shit with the British. Still under colonial rule, colonists here resented being taxed for shit and having to answer to the King. A couple of skirmishes took place, but nothing big, and shit always resulted in the British keeping the colonists well in their place.

On Monday, March 5, 1770, a British soldier walked into a barber shop, got a trim, and when asked to pay for the barber’s services smacked the barber across his mouth saying “Fuck yo bill, go tell it to the King, beyacth!” News spread fast and around 11am, as the Drank Mad Meade crew was polishing up their third round of pitchers, a boy, idolizing the crew, ran up in the bar to tell them about the incident. Seeing the British as just a bigger version of some of their other rival gangs, the crew got hyped. One of the crew members, enraged at the incident, let out a “Yo, let’s lay these British niggas way the fuck down, son.” Throwing one last round of brew down and violently pounding on the bar, the Drank Mad Meade Crew was AMPED! Dudes then ran home, collecting their hunting knives, batons and muskets, ready to tear shit up with regard to the British.

A little after 12pm, the DMM crew spotted a group of British soldiers. “Thar those bitches be-ith”, one of the members shouted. So incensed that the soldiers were proudly rocking their colors on their turf, the DMM ran towards them. Crispus, having recently been promoted to war chief status, screamed out “I got this fam, I got th…..”. Instantly, the British let off some rounds, striking Crispus dead center in the chest with two bullets. The picture below also depicts poor Crispus about to catch a mean one with a mini bat from behind. Needless to say, Crispus died immediately.

See how dude got that mini bat arched up? Not a good look for Crispus.

Although it is historically agreed that the attack on the British soldiers was a major pu~ on the part of the DMM crew, according to Wikipedia, Crispus “has been frequently named as the first martyr of the American Revolution and is the only Boston Massacre victim whose name is commonly remembered. He is regarded as an important and inspirational figure in American history.” So in celebration of Crispus Attucks week, let all Black know that as fun and cool as it can be to roll with our white brethren, stay on point when being invited to partake in some their fun looking but way dangerous for Black activities. I haven’t yet compiled a list as to what activities to stay away from, but before jumping in, just think “what business does a Black person like me have joining in on some white people shit like this?”. It might just could end up saving your life. When in doubt, just say no!